Month: October 2019

I Have A Confession To Make

There’s a part of this past summer that I haven’t been completely open about and people around me have been saying that I should address it, as it’s as much a part of parenthood as anything else. As a parent, or any person for that matter, we shape peoples perception of us by choosing what to share and what not to, based on our own preferences, fears and isms. In todays social media society we can do it more than ever before by telling the stories and narratives that are appealing to us. Some things are more difficult because we’re afraid of judgement, looking weak or vulnerable.

When Ean was born, as soon as I laid eyes on him I could “read” him. Maybe because he looked just like me in my baby photos, maybe because his character is very similar to mine, maybe because he was a boy; I don’t know with complete certainty why but I “got him”. Even though he always gravitated towards his mother, even though to this day he still chooses her over me in all instances, there’s just a connection there that’s been there since birth.

When Ana got pregnant again and when we found out it was a girl, I immediately was hit with doubts, fears and insecurities. When around friends, I always used to make the same joke about gender of kids; that with boys you have to worry about one penis but with a girl you have to worry about everyone else’s! I acknowledge that this fear was a part of it but it wasn’t all. I tried to face my issues well before she was born and I did the classical “as long as the baby is healthy” mantra that didn’t seem to make any difference. Bringing a girl into this world felt like a punishment to her, until I started focusing on all the amazing women who are kicking ass around the world today and those who came before them. Okay, that helped, I was going to raise my little genius gentle warrior and teach her all she would need to get ahead in this crazy world.

Then, she was born. Okay, it’s a girl, she’s perfect and she’s going to be amazing. Wait, are those blue eyes? In intimate quiet moments I found myself staring at her. She didn’t look like me, I mean she looked nothing like me and as I looked into those big blue eyes I couldn’t find myself in her anywhere as I did with Ean and it scared the shit out of me. It got worse.…

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Getting Back To Writing

Ever since I stopped posting under the Fatherologist moniker, The Mrs. has been asking me to rethink it. I wanted to focus more on my projects and I was having a rough couple of months with the new baby, but that’s a story for another day. I love to tell stories and take photos but doing that with only my children as a subject was starting to feel limiting. There were so many other things going on that I wanted to share and write about but because it wasn’t specifically about parenthood I felt like this wasn’t the platform for it but as one smart lady told me, the platform is whatever I want it to be because I am the platform and regardless of what I do in life, fatherhood will play a part in that, which is true.

This woman of mine has always been my biggest fan and she loves to read what I write because she simply likes the way I express myself. She insists that’s also why people follow my content, that it’s not necessarily for the cute photos, but because it’s about the anecdotes and the people behind them. I don’t know if that’s true, but if it is, I have been limiting myself unnecessarily. So I thought I would try this, just write, shoot and post because I love doing it and not think so much about what category it necessarily falls under because ultimately I am a father doing whatever it is that I do and if you like to be a part of whatever this is, then I would be delighted.

I would love to hear your opinion though, what brought you to my feed, what content compels you the most. If it’s the photos, the anecdotes, the advice or maybe a combination of all of it and the rhetoric with which I deliver it.

Personally I think Ana has a hidden agenda with her encouragement to get back to posting. When she was working and I was alone with Ean I know how much she loved the daily posts, I think it made it easier for her to have a glimpse into my daily life with our child. Now that she’s getting closer to start working again I know she’s going to miss them and she’s going to worry about how I’m going to deal with my constant projects all while caring for two kids. Let’s find out together, shall we?…

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